How can I land my dream job?  I’m tired of working jobs that are unfulfilling and boring.  I’m 30 years old and want to get serious about a career that I actually enjoy. 

Don’t get hung up on being 30 and not in a career you love.  Think about it:  it takes about three decades to get our act together.  For the first 18 years we’re growing up and going to mandatory school, then for the next few years we’re either in college or trying to figure out what to do, then we’re trying to establish ourselves in a career.  So here you are at 30, serious, and with many years of a fulfilling career ahead of you. You’re in a good place! Be fearless as you forge ahead towards your dream job.

Here’s advice taken from my new book, BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days.

• Define your dream job.  Be specific.  What it would entail?  Do you prefer working independently or as part of a team?  Would it involve travel or would you be office-bound? Do you want to do something creative or more analytical?  You get the idea – really define all aspects of this dream job and the qualities you seek in it.
• Surround yourself with people who you think can help you achieve your dream job.  What mentors can you tap for advice? How can you network and meet people who can help?
• Do an internship or shadow someone at a company you admire.  For example, if you always wanted to be a journalist, reach out to your favorite commuter newspaper and make yourself available.
• Ask other people how they got to be where they are.  Although your paths won’t be entirely the same, you’ll gain valuable advice knowing how others have done it.
• Interview someone who has this “dream job”.  Ask questions that will yield valuable information.   Find out what the person did to land it.  What do they love about their job? What’s most challenging? What they’d most like to change about it?

I’m embarking on making big personal changes in my life, going back to school and changing careers and will need full support from my friends. For whatever reason, they tend to be negative about everything and not very supportive of me. Why they are like that and what should I do?

Simply put: they’re fear-mongers. They could win the lottery and find something to complain about, or have the day off from work and complain, or get promoted and complain. They complain about everything and anything – job, other friends, family, politicians, celebrities, government, and more. So don’t personalize it. Fortunately, now that you’re embarking on making positive changes in your life, you recognize the potential negative impact these friends can have on you so you can do something about it. It’s important to surround yourself with positive people as you embark on change. To help you weed out those who aren’t, take a look at the checklist below. Think about people in your life and ask yourself the following:

• Is the person generally negative?
• Is the person unhappy in their career, with family, relationships?
• Do you feel exhausted after spending time with the person?
• Is the person demanding? Self-absorbed?
• Is there a lot of drama and crisis in the person’s life?
• Does the person have a victim’s or helpless mentality?

If you answered “yes” to most of these questions, then you know that the person isn’t going to be supportive of you when pursuing your goals. Keep your distance from them and maintain boundaries. Now is the time to put your needs first. Don’t stoop to their level. Don’t feel obligated to remain friends with them or to rescue them. Doing so only enables their behavior and drains you. Be strong and stand up for yourself. To appear vulnerable provides an opportunity for the fear-monger to suck the life out of you. Speak up and be proud of your goals and what you’ve set your sights on. Align yourself with likeminded, positive people who share your interests and goals. This will help drive you forward.

Check out my new book, BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days, to learn how to purge yourself of these fear-mongers.

Is it normal that I have a crush on my therapist?
Yes, but all so wrong if acted on by either party. Think about it: you look towards your therapist as an authority figure and someone who confidently provides you with unlimited support, understanding, and advice – all of which can potentially be very sexy and appealing. But keep in mind that you’re paying your therapist to provide a service and he/she has ethical standards to uphold. Bottom line: sex with partner; good. Sex with therapist; BAD.

I’m a healthy 30 something guy and I can’t urinate in front of others. Is it normal?

Yes, normal and common. It’s called paruresis and is sometimes referred to as “shy bladder”. For a practical solution, whenever possible use a bathroom stall rather than a urinal. Consider counseling to help you examine your thought process and get tips on how to think differently.

I’ve been seeing this great guy and everything seems to be going well. However, he’s constantly asking me to send him nude images of myself via text. We are sexually active so I’m baffled. Is this normal? Is something missing in this relationship?

Isn’t it great that this guy finds you so sexy that he wants to see you even when you’re not around! But, I can understand how it might be annoying if he “constantly” asks you to send them. So sure, normal enough, but obviously not the best thing for a relationship if you’re opposed. If his focus is entirely on your body and sex, then get rid of him as it seems you want something more than that. Otherwise, let him know that you find patience and intrigue sexy and that the more he asks the less likely you are to send.

Is it normal that people don’t return my emails?

No, not at all. They are simply rude. This lack of courtesy though has become acceptable because it’s so easy to simply avoid electronic communication than direct communication. As a result, the standards of social etiquette have plummeted. You have every right to expect a timely return of your email and to be upset if that doesn’t happen.

Tomorrow is a really big day for me.  My book, BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days hits bookstores.  Years ago I never thought this would have been possible, especially as I was once so bad at writing that my 7^th grade teacher called my parents out of concern.  I share this with you because it brings me to the heart of my book: change.  Change is possible. Yet, to many, change is elusive. People stay stuck and they allow fear to get between them and what they truly want.  They’ve been looking for a short cut—a way to get what they want without having to face their fears.  Here are the most common ways people keep themselves stuck, either knowingly or unknowingly:

Waiting. Rather than being proactive and taking the initiative, people spend time hoping that the right person will magically walk into their life, that the job promotion will just materialize, or that their spouse will suddenly start behaving in a less irritating way. If you wait for your dreams to unfold, they will remain dreams.  If you take action, you’ll turn your dreams into a reality. BE FEARLESS will give you the courage to take that initiative.

Wishing. As a kid I closed my eyes and imagined I was Superman rescuing damsels in distress.  It was great – until I opened my eyes and realized I was still the same wimp I always was.  Wishing for things doesn’t create change.  For that reason, I am not a fan of The Secret and the so-called Law of Attraction on which it is based. I can’t tell you how many clients came to me after they wished and wished for better lives—only for their lives to continually get worse. BE FEARLESS teaches you how to stop wishing and how to start living.

Blaming. Have you blamed others for your problems? Perhaps you’ve gotten angry at your boss, your significant other, or someone else for making your life miserable. BE FEARLESS will teach you how to stop focusing on what you can’t control and, instead, to put your energy into all of the things you can control. You can control what you say and do. It’s not as easy to control what other people say and do.

Waiting, wishing, and blaming will not lead you to the life you really want. What will? Taking action.  The BE FEARLESS program will show you just how to do that!

Here are some more of your “is it normal” questions. Keep them coming in. The more the merrier as it will either help normalize readers or have quite the opposite effect and make you realize just how abnormal you are!

Is it normal for my 41 year old friend to go to his mother’s house to take naps with her? He’s independent in all other ways, has a career, and takes care of himself. This freaks me out!

You should be freaked out. Unless his mother is actually not his mother but a long lost girlfriend, then no, this absolutely is not normal! That usually ends around age 12, or just before puberty. This is disturbing on two fronts: his desire to want to nap with his mother and her actually participating in it. I’d venture to say there’s a lot more going on here than can be addressed in this column. Talk to him. Find out why he does it and if it turns out he is OK with it despite your concerns, then seriously consider that you might not have as much in common as you once thought.

Is it normal for my female friends to get mad at me because I can eat anything and not put on weight?

Sounds like jealousy to me, which is quite normal in friendships. Your friends though shouldn’t let a fast metabolism get between them and a healthy friendship.

Is it normal for a grown woman to be obsessed with Justin Beiber?

Being obsessed with celebrity knows no bounds, age notwithstanding. Like any obsession, if it is impacting her life in a way that it interferes with things such as relationships, her career, and health, then she should get help.

Get a jump on your New Year’s fitness resolutions by following the strategy that has helped hundreds of my clients over the years. Here are my sure-fire steps to actually sticking to your fitness goals for 2012:

• Forget the same old resolutions and following tabloid diets for major weight loss. The focus should be on lasting lifestyle changes rather than a number. People usually get lazy and frustrated a month or so into the New Year in the wake of lofty goals and rigid approaches that were established.

• To make big changes think small and keep it simple. You don’t need expensive trainers and gyms. You do need support and something that won’t break your bank so join a class or gather some friends who also want to get in shape. Take stairs instead of elevators; replace soda with water with lemon; walk briskly for 15 minutes on your lunch break.

• Set goals for yourself out of inspiration, not guilt or desperation after a night of indulgence on beer and bar food. And forget about being part of a trend just because it’s the style du jour.

• Be detailed and specific. Vague generalizations like “I want to lose weight” will lead nowhere while “I’m going to take the 6:00 p.m. kick-boxing class on Monday and Wednesday” will get your closer to your goal.

• Be realistic. Losing 50 pounds by April isn’t healthy. Break the larger end-goal into smaller manageable ones. Set realistic weekly goals within a healthy time-frame. Reaching these smaller ones will motivate you towards the larger one.

• Lose weight by losing the rigidity. Extreme behavior changes such as cutting out all carbohydrates or sugar don’t work. And such thinking promotes perfectionism, leading to a sabotage of efforts.

• Make a distinction between feeding your body and feeding your emotions. Get to know the role your mind plays in your body. Depression, stress, anxiety, and loneliness can all lead to unhealthy eating.

• If by April you haven’t reached your goals, then read my book: BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days for a comprehensive plan to help you reach all goals, not just fitness.