Jonathan Alpert

Get a Jump on your 2012 Fitness Resolutions

Jonathan Alpert — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 15:41:59 +0000

Get a jump on your New Year’s fitness resolutions by following the strategy that has helped hundreds of my clients over the years. Here are my sure-fire steps to actually sticking to your fitness goals for 2012:

• Forget the same old resolutions and following tabloid diets for major weight loss. The focus should be on lasting lifestyle changes rather than a number. People usually get lazy and frustrated a month or so into the New Year in the wake of lofty goals and rigid approaches that were established.

• To make big changes think small and keep it simple. You don’t need expensive trainers and gyms. You do need support and something that won’t break your bank so join a class or gather some friends who also want to get in shape. Take stairs instead of elevators; replace soda with water with lemon; walk briskly for 15 minutes on your lunch break.

• Set goals for yourself out of inspiration, not guilt or desperation after a night of indulgence on beer and bar food. And forget about being part of a trend just because it’s the style du jour.

• Be detailed and specific. Vague generalizations like “I want to lose weight” will lead nowhere while “I’m going to take the 6:00 p.m. kick-boxing class on Monday and Wednesday” will get your closer to your goal.

• Be realistic. Losing 50 pounds by April isn’t healthy. Break the larger end-goal into smaller manageable ones. Set realistic weekly goals within a healthy time-frame. Reaching these smaller ones will motivate you towards the larger one.

• Lose weight by losing the rigidity. Extreme behavior changes such as cutting out all carbohydrates or sugar don’t work. And such thinking promotes perfectionism, leading to a sabotage of efforts.

• Make a distinction between feeding your body and feeding your emotions. Get to know the role your mind plays in your body. Depression, stress, anxiety, and loneliness can all lead to unhealthy eating.

• If by April you haven’t reached your goals, then read my book: BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days for a comprehensive plan to help you reach all goals, not just fitness.

Tackling Your Holiday Stress

Jonathan Alpert — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 13:34:31 +0000

I’m finding myself really stressed out this holiday season. I noticed around Halloween that stores were putting up Christmas decorations. Do we really need all this nonsense so early? I find it all very obnoxious. Further, due to work issues, I hardly have any money this year to buy gifts and attend parties and feel embarrassed about it. I just want to close my eyes and wake up on January 2.What can I do to feel better this holiday season?

You can start to feel better by knowing you are not alone. Test it out – go and poll 10 people about the holiday season. My guess is at least five would express that it’s all too much, too early. Accept the notion that we live in a society that is driven by the dollar, and come holiday season, this is all magnified by big box retailers and the like. This materialism is not an expression of what the holidays truly represent, nor do extravagance and expensive gifts equal happiness. You have a choice: participate in it or don’t.

In light of your recent money woes be creative and spare the craziness of the shopping malls. Cook a dinner for a friend, promise to do some yard or house work for the parents, babysit for a sibling’s kid, or simply spend time with a long lost friend. Keep in mind, the most memorable gift you can give someone is an experience, not a material item. People remember activities and experiences long after the fleeting excitement of a toy, article of clothing, or other material gift.
As for the holiday parties, know that you actually have some control over what you participate in. Ask yourself: do I have to attend every party? Or are you saying yes because you feel pressured to do so? Don’t feel compelled to accept every invitation and get comfortable saying “no” to what you don’t want and “yes” to the things you truly believe in. Guaranteed you’ll feel less resentful and much calmer during the holidays.

Finally, examine your negativity. Is it really “all nonsense” or is there something positive you can glean from the season? By making small changes to how you think, you’ll be able to make big changes in how you feel.

Are you normal?

Jonathan Alpert — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 13:31:39 +0000

I feel sad all the time. Is that normal?

No, not normal. Feeling sad is normal emotion, however, not so normal when it is how you feel “all the time”. Seek help and try to identify the cause of the sadness, figure out what’s missing in your life, and what troubles you. Most importantly, work with someone to figure out what would make you less sad and more content in life.

My husband sleeps all day. Is that normal?

It’s normal only if he works the night shift. Otherwise sleeping all day could be a sign of a problem, emotionally or physically. He should discuss it with his doctor. Sleeping all day can also be a side effect of depression, in which case he should seek help for this as well.

My friends and I are having a debate on whether it is normal or not to sleep with a guy on a first date. What’s your take?

It’s not a question of whether this is normal or not, but rather what you’re comfortable with. Plenty lasting relationships started as what many thought was a one-nighter, while many have ended at the end of the night. Rather than me judging you, only you and the person you’re with can gauge the level of normalcy and comfort.

I worry incessantly about body odor and bad breath. Is this normal?

To “worry incessantly” isn’t normal. To be concerned though about such health issues is. Could there be a reason to devote more concern to this issue than one should? Perhaps someone once pointed out that your odor was offensive and that comment stung? The remedy to such fears and concerns is to take action: see a dentist if you’re truly concerned about bad breath. Take measures to ensure that you smell fresh, the right deodorant, soap, and hygiene.

Once and for all, who should pay on a date?

Jonathan Alpert — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 06:12:46 +0000

I’m a single guy in the city. I’m really tired of gold-digging women expecting me to pay for everything on dates. I understand that it’s appropriate to pay for the first date or two but why is it that women can’t chip in at all when they want equality in every other part of life? How can I handle this as I want to continue to date but don’t want to go broke doing so?

No doubt, you’ll encounter women who are simply after a good meal. Many female clients have told me they go out with a new guy several nights a week just to get a free dinner. Don’t be victim to such gold-digging. Pay for the first date if you initiate it. No need to take someone to an expensive restaurant on a first date. The focus should be on getting to know the other person, not judging each other by how much is spent.

Subsequent dates though aren’t that clear cut. A man paying for dates is deeply rooted in tradition and widely accepted social etiquette. On the other hand, dating presents an opportunity for women to assert their desire for equality and to move away from 1950s thinking. Men and women then find themselves in a bit of a conundrum. Some people might think, “Women want equal pay for equal work, then they should contribute the same across the board”. If a man asks a woman to chip in on a date then she might think he’s cheap or uninterested. If a woman offers to pay he might think she isn’t interested in anything more than just friendship. And if the man accepts the woman’s offer, he might feel emasculated and she might think he’s cheap.

If you really like her, ask he out again. If money is an issue then simply go for a drink or coffee or something affordable. Consider something that won’t break the bank, e.g. cooking at home, an outdoor activity, watching a movie. Explain that you’re open to other activities to get to know her so long as she can contribute. If she snubs you then you know she isn’t the girl for you. If she is open to alternative activities or chipping in, then you’ve got yourself an understanding one who might be worth pursuing.

When Your Partner Can’t Get Over Your Past

Jonathan Alpert — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:51:53 +0000

I’ve been dating a woman for two years. I like her very much and she’s a lot of fun. Problem is she frequently brings up my past. I’m 33 years old and she’s 30. I’ve dated lots of women before her and she’s unaccepting of the fact that I’ve had sex before I met her. What do I do?

Since your girlfriend takes issue with you having a dating history maybe she needs to find a virgin. Seriously, it would be difficult for her to find a 33 year old who hasn’t had sex. I assume she herself has no history? If she has, then this is the height of hypocrisy.
She’s either hugely naive or projecting some of her own issues onto you. Unless you’ve participated in unlawful or extremely dangerous sexual acts that potentially impact her today, then it’s none of her business.

You though should be commended for being so open and honest about your history. This transparency speaks to your commitment to her. By divulging sexual history, you assume a level of trust that shouldn’t be thrown back in your face. She clearly has violated this trust.

She needs to get over your past and focus on the present and future. If you’re loving, supportive, respectful, and have a healthy sex life, then there’s no need for her to harp on your sexual history. Ask her what she hopes to gain by bringing up your past girlfriends. My guess is this is more about her insecurity than your experience.

If this has been going on for two years, it probably isn’t going to change. You cannot change a belief system that seems unwavering. You can decide though how much you want to be exposed to it. It seems clear that you care about her. However, one of the fundamentals of a healthy relationship is missing: unconditional acceptance. Express to her this unmet need and your desire for full acceptance of who you are now, not whom you dated in the past. If she can’t be accepting, then you must move on or you’ll stay stagnant in this vicious cycle of her dealing with concerns over your past and you trying to move forward.

Is it time for a career change?

Jonathan Alpert — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 04:08:46 +0000

I have a successful career in finance but find it unfulfilling, boring, and I work absurdly long hours preventing me from having a life outside of work. I’ve noticed too that I’m not performing as I should. I’m in my early 30s, married, no kids, and would really like to do something more meaningful where I can make a difference in peoples’ lives, not just analyze numbers all day. I’m thinking something like a teacher but I’m just not sure about the day to day and am concerned about going from making several hundred thousand dollars a year to much less and also going back to school. My wife works and does well but I still feel that I should be the breadwinner.

Go for it! Make the move because if you stay where you are you’ll be forced out due to your continuing decline in performance. Not too different from a bad relationship: the longer you stay in it, the greater the dissatisfaction and likelihood of poor behavior driving you out. You’re a young guy with many years of accomplishment ahead of you and have the benefit of knowing now that you desire something more fulfilling. Many clients come to me in your situation; they were in their 50s, yet they made changes, and you can too.

Your anxiety about knowing if the career is right for you is expected as you think about heading back to school and venturing into uncharted territory, so do your homework. Meet with the admission committee to learn about the application process and course requirements, talk to professionals in the field, shadow one for the day. Get a clear sense of a teacher’s daily work load. Explore programs for professionals wishing to start a second career as a teacher. You’ll be looked at very favorably as you’ll bring a body of knowledge and real life experience into the classroom.

Your concerns about money are legitimate as you’ll be taking a cut. Think though what’s most important. Is it making several 100K despite working “absurdly long hours” or is it doing something rewarding and having time to enjoy your family, even if it means less money? Sure, you might have to modify your lifestyle, but in the end, I suspect for you enjoying time with a loved one wins out over a huge bank account.

And your need to be the breadwinner…that’s something you’ll have to reconcile with your ego and the fact that it’s 2011, not 1950. Consider yourself lucky.

Demi’s Crisis: The Real Reason Behind the Split

Jonathan Alpert — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 04:48:24 +0000

The Definitive Guide to Breaking Up

Jonathan Alpert — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 12:41:53 +0000

I’ve been with my girlfriend for several months but just don’t feel things are working out and I know that there’s no future. What are your tips for the best way to break up with someone and make it as pain-free as possible?

There’s no easy way to do it. Inherent in any break up someone gets hurt. There are ways though to maintain dignity and respect and lessen the blow. For starters, don’t make the mistake that so many people do and nurture a relationship on the side and explore options just because they’re afraid to be alone. Once you are 100% single then you can consider seeing others.

Plan to meet her and speak in person. Relying on methods such as email or telephone might seem easier for you, but not for your ex. Anything short of face-to-face will seem cowardly to her. Meet in a private place and not a public setting where she could potentially feel embarrassed by the news. Take responsibility and be honest. Avoid the cliché “It’s not you it’s me” or any other generic explanations and be sure to provide an explanation so that she can better move on. No matter how bad the relationship might be, avoid insults. To demonize her will only invite retaliation and perpetuate problems. Remember, you dated her for several months so she can’t be that bad, right? That said, you both might benefit from mentioning a few things you do like about her. Don’t try to cushion things by saying “But we can still be friends”. A statement like that is probably more about assuaging your guilt than actually wanting to be friends and might provide false hope to her.

Finally, don’t jump right back into the dating world. Way too often people get into a new relationship because they’re afraid to be single. Don’t be that person. Instead, take some time, reflect on the past relationship, and learn a little something about yourself and the type of gal you prefer.

Is it Normal?

Jonathan Alpert — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 12:04:10 +0000

Here’s another edition of “Is it normal?” questions from readers. Concerned about whether your behavior or thinking is normal? Then send your questions my way!

I sometimes fantasize about kissing people other than my husband. Is this normal?

Yes, normal, but if it continues and starts to distract you from your relationship, it’s a problem. It might be symptomatic of larger problems in the relationship. If you call your husband by someone else’s name, that’s also a problem.

Is it normal that I get freaked out at the very thought of wearing street clothes on my bed?

Yes, totally normal. After a day of running around the city and riding the subway you’ll pick up dirt and grime, other peoples’ bodily fluids, and of course those unidentifiable things that simply are disgusting. None of which belong in a person’s bed. Freaking out is a healthy coping mechanism.

Is it normal to fantasize about my house burning down because I just want to start over?

No, it is not normal, nor is it productive. A strong desire to start over is normal so spare being an arsonist and find a healthier way to do it. Find out what you want out of life then come up with a sensible strategy to achieve it.

My wife never wants to have sex with me. Is that normal?

No, it not normal or healthy for the relationship. It’s symptomatic of problems in your relationship. Find out why it isn’t happening, get help if need be, and hopefully introduce intimacy into your relationship.

Is it normal that I get anxious entering crowded gatherings or social settings?

Yes, it is normal. If though it’s debilitating or you avoid social situations all together then it’s a more serious concern and warrants help. The good news is social anxiety responds well to therapy and you you’ll be able to face those crowds with poise and calm.

Jonathan Alpert, Le Psy Des ‘Golden Boys’

Jonathan Alpert — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 05:02:14 +0000