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Secrets to living happily ever after
Is there such a thing as a happy marriage these days? Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, and now Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony – need I say more? Seems every marriage fails eventually so what’s the point anyhow? So many of my friends are separated, divorced, or fighting and it’s really hard to remain optimistic about marriage. What are your secrets to a healthy marriage?
As long as there are marriages there will be those that work and those that don’t. Hollywood is not immune from such phenomena so don’t look towards them as role-models. There are things you can do to ensure a healthy relationship, even through differences and difficulties. These are my tried and tested tips that have helped countless couples in my practice.
• Define a healthy marriage. If you wanted to open a coffee shop would you model it after the dingy one on the corner of the thriving Starbucks? Rather than focusing on others’ botched relationships, look at what works.
• Enter the marriage 100% committed without the divorce option. In relationships that stand the test of time, couples are entirely focused on keeping it and doing what’s necessary to maintain it.
• Disagreements are normal and don’t mean the end of a relationship. Look at the big picture and ask yourself: is it worth it to win the battle but lose the war? Accept certain things about your partner. Sure, it may annoy you that she burns the toast, but in the end does it really matter?
• Focus on what binds you, not on what separates you. You originally got together because of commonalities, not differences. Keep that focus while maintaining a sense of autonomy. The best relationships are those where he does his thing, she does hers, and then they come together and enjoy.
• Take time out when there are arguments or fights. Rarely are issues resolved in the heat of battle, so walk away and agree to come together when things calm down. Examine your intent. Is it to hurt the other person or work towards a compromise? Avoid absolute words such as “always” or “never” as they seldom lead to a constructive conversation.
• Plan a date night, e.g. movies, dinner. Have it in place early in the week so you can look forward to it.
• At bedtime hold each other. Make sure there are hugs, kisses, and touching in your relationship. Be imaginative in the bedroom and have fun.
• Think of three positive things from your day, and three things you look forward to the next day…share it with your partner.
Jonathan Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist. Find him on Facebook and Twitter, and look for his new book, "BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days," this April.