‘Tiger Mother’ may work for some, but not for all

What are your thoughts on the Tiger Mom? Her book seems to be getting a lot of attention. I wonder if her ways are healthy or not.

From a business perspective Amy Chua’s book is brilliant: it’s controversial, it goes against the grain of popular opinion, and has stirred a national discussion. A publisher’s dream, frankly. I can only hope that my forthcoming book garners similar attention.

As a psychotherapist, I have my concerns about the message. Fortunately it’s merely a memoir of one woman’s account of raising her kids and not a self-help book or parenting guide. I’m confident the American public, despite their western upbringing, is smart enough to know there are better ways to raise children to ensure they go on to become happy, healthy, intelligent, well-adjusted adults.

Ms. Chua’s book essentially highlights the difference between two parenting approaches: training children versus fostering growth. The latter is more prevalent in Western culture while the former is generally more rooted in Asian culture. A parent who trains demands high performance, obedience, shows little affection, and anything short of those standards reflects poorly on the family and brings about shame. Love is expressed through pushing and disciplining a child rather than hugs, and unconditional love is almost non-existent. In some respects it’s a form of coercion whereby children are made to feel guilty if they don’t conform, and special if they succeed.

Ms. Chua’s kids seem to be doing well so that’s not to say her methods are entirely unhealthy. Fast forward though twenty years and many similarly raised kids come to see me for help as adults. Perfectionism and obsessive compulsive tendencies are common and they’re often dealing with issues of guilt, shame, depression, a poor sense-of-self, resentment towards their parents, and a lack of social skills – nothing a little therapy couldn’t help.

Jonathan Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist. Find him on Facebook and Twitter, and look for his new book, "BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days," this April.