Is he cheating… with another man?

I’ve been married for five years and wonder if my husband is cheating on me and if he might be gay. Something in our relationship is way off. How can I tell if he is gay and cheating?

You can simply ask him and hope he tells…but don’t hold your breath. Short of catching your husband with another woman or man, there’s no way to know with certainty if he’s cheating. You must first accept the notion that he actually could be cheating, then signs might be more apparent.

In the world of the down-low and homosexuality, stereotypes mean nothing. Throw out the window any preconceived ideas you might have such as having a lisp, being overly-groomed, effeminate, listening to Ricky Martin, or being sensitive and caring. Plenty of gay people don’t have these traits and just as many straight people have them. Look for behavioral changes. Is he working overtime? Does he tell you about last minute plans with others? Has he deviated from his normal routine? Changes could be indicative of an affair. Next take a look at physical changes. Have his dress and grooming habits changed? When someone is cheating they’re usually more concerned about their appearance. Further, if he is withdrawing from you and avoiding sexual activity or seems detached – that’s a red flag that something is off.

Other things to consider: 1) Homophobia – often a person might get mad at people who exhibit traits they don’t like in themselves. 2) Increase in calls from men and an unwillingness to discuss them with you or include them in your social life. 3) Suspicious non-verbal communication with men – a look, a touch, or a lingering hug. 4) And of course, gay porn on the computer.

Finally, do know that sometimes there are no signs whatsoever. A seemingly healthy relationship isn’t immune from such a phenomenon. For an enlightening and often entertaining read on one such relationship check out Kiri Blakeley’s book: Can’t Think Straight, A Memoir of Mixed-up Love.

Jonathan Alpert is a licensed psychotherapist. Find him on Facebook and Twitter, and look for his new book, "BE FEARLESS: Change Your Life in 28 Days," this April.